Jesus and the Women He Called

Superhugebig Trigger Warnings for post and especially the links in it: Sexism, patriarchy, bad theology, homophobia, general jerkishness. Or, in other words, “Mark Driscoll.”

Breaking News from Matthew 28: 

“The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now I have told you.”

We turn now to Western Christian leaders and institutions for their reactions to this News:

Presbyterian Church in America: Much of this year’s General Assembly concerned the presentation of a report entitled: “Angels: Liberal Compromisers?” The report found that “This calling of women to preach the Gospel is of course deeply troubling, especially in this age of abortion, homosexuality, and healthcare. Still, we do not wish to censure the angels at this time, as we need more information before condemning them.” This forbearance of judgment was seen by some delegates in attendance as capitulation to creeping liberalism; thus, everyone involved in writing the report was brought up on heresy charges, which led to a 3-day-long debate on the state of their eternal souls. The findings were inconclusive, and the discussion was tabled until next year’s assembly, the theme of which will be: “Why are our General Assemblies so Unproductive? Is it Because of the Liberals?”

Southern Baptists: On his blog yesterday, Southern Baptist professor Owen Strachan said “Baptists have historically held to the view that Scripture is completely inerrant and sufficient for all things pertaining to life, doctrine, and figuring out whether people you don’t know are Christians. Because of this, we have to acknowledge that these angels did indeed charge these women with being the first preachers of the full Gospel. However, it is also important to acknowledge that men are called to be lords of the home, though it’s not necessarily wrong to help your wife out with the dishes or laundry, ‘when you can.’ Based on God’s clear Biblical rules for division of household labor which are totally in the Bible somewhere, we can see that clearly, boys rule and girls drool God does not want women telling men what to believe. Those angels must’ve mistaken the women for men, probably because their initiative in coming to the Tomb without asking permission from the men who were hiding out at the time meant that they weren’t feminine enough. Also, I rap.

Louie Giglio: God is BIG!

Evangelical Lutheran Church in America:

Leader: Christ is risen!

People: Christ is risen indeed!

 All: Alleluia!

After celebrating together, the ELCA released this statement:

“We are grateful for these women who brought us these words of life and truth. While we recognize that there exists a diversity of views on the role of women in ministry throughout the many Christian communities in our world, it is our intention to honor and nurture the mysterious call of God wherever we find it, and rejoice in the news of the Resurrection, a joy that all Christian communities may share. We recognize that sometimes, living in community means living in tension, but we believe the call of God on the Body of Christ invites us to live joyfully and respectfully in this tension with people who understand the role of women differently than we do, even as we hold to our own belief.”

Presbyterian Church in America: “It is going to take us like the next three General Assemblies to write reports about everything that’s wrong with that statement.”

John Piper: “Everybody duck before God gets the Lutherans!”

Retired Episcopal Bishop John Shelby Spong: In a statement today, Spong wrote “Of course we know that “angels,” like the “Resurrection” of “Jesus,” are merely the violent fictions of a primitive, first-century Jewish mindset. However, this story reminds us that women, too, are invited to fully and equally share in the horrifying fairy-tale of the Gospel.”

Mark Driscoll: In a blog post, the controversial Seattle mega-church pastor wrote: “These women were walking by themselves while it was dark out, which shows us that they, like Esther, were seeking to abuse their God-given lady bits to seduce Godly men, like Xerxes. Even worse, several of them had probably let themselves go. The angels recognized this, which is why they sent the women away to the men so quickly. The male disciples then immediately stepped up to graciously lead the church, provide oversight over these rebellious women, and have sex with their wives at least once a day. What is even more amazing about these strapping, young, well-muscled, oil-chested examples of virile masculinity that I admire in a totally heterosexual way is that they accomplished this before I founded a church-planting network. Anyway, I’ve gotta get back to studying the Bible…I think there are a few women in there I haven’t slut-shamed yet.”

Louie Giglio: No seriously, like really, really BIG!

Jesus: The newly-risen Son of God could not be reached for comment, though He seemed not to exhibit the same skepticism as to the ability of women to tell His story, as sources say He met the women on the way, and said: “Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers…”

Presbyterian Church in America, Southern Baptists, John Piper: Are ya’ serious?!?!

Evangelical Lutheran Church in America: “We told you guys, you __________! (We mean that in an inclusive way).”

Mark Driscoll: “Jesus really was a gay hippie! Now I love Him more…I am confused…wait, is my mic still on?”

John Shelby Spong: “We really need to get past the ‘believing things’ component of religion…

All: “…”

Louie Giglio: “Like really, really-”

All: “OMG we get it!”

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